Life After Afghanistan - A Long Haul

Today I realized that is has been exactly 3 years since my life as I knew it changed drastically. It was an ordinary Monday morning the second week of January 2008 when I received the news that I would be deploying to Afghanistan. The details were sketchy at that point. I was surprised because it had appeared that I would not deploy during that rotation cycle. I came to find out later that I was needed to replace a doctor who broke his leg during pre-deployment training. Regardless, it was an anxious time. I did not know what to expect and there were not many people to give me any definitive information. I remember being relieved to certain extent knowing that I would be going to Afghanistan and not Iraq. It seemed that Afghanistan was a "just war" given that Al Queda lived and trained there. We were going after the people that attacked us on 9/11 which seemed like a noble cause to me. I was naive at that point, but to this day I still believe that some good is being done in Afghanistan.

2008 was a long year for me. The first part was spent mentally preparing to go into a war zone. I was going to a dangerous place with a real possibility of a bad outcome like coming home in a body bag. I filled out my will and gave copies to my family. It was sobering. I thought about how I would like to be remembered. Crazy. Who thinks about these things at the age of 32? I then went to "Combat Skills Training" for 2 months at an Army base. I was no longer a doctor. Instead I was a member of the U.S. military making me a target at all times in Afghanistan. While deployed, I went on my fair share of trips off base in armored vehicles heavily armed. It was surreal. My mission there was to train Afghan doctors and medics which I did to the best of my ability. There was danger every day. I never was shot at and my life was never in imminent danger. I was lucky. On October 31st of 2008, I left Camp Alamo for a long convoy to Bagram Air Field. I remember arriving at Bagram and feeling like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders. Bagram is a heavily fortified base. I felt safe again. Safety is a good thing.

I returned to the United States a different person because I had seen a third world, war torn nation up close. The hypervigilance that you have in a dangerous place wore off in a few weeks. I was able to breathe a sigh of relief for a while. It was nice to see people and relate my experiences. I was proud of my service. Then, thoughts of another deployment came into focus. Notification came that I would be on the list to deploy in just 6 months. How could this be? For several weeks over the holidays I contemplated another deployment. But, this notification was a mistake, an apparent "clerical error". I was angry that such a mistake could be made, but it did not matter because I had been bitten by the deployment bug. Now I actually wanted to go back! Deep down I felt that going to Afghanistan one time was not enough. So many others had done more. I could do more. Specifically, I wanted to take care of the wounded. A call was made to higher headquarters. I volunteered to be sent to the hospital at Bagram during the next cycle. The Air Force was happy to grant me my wish.

So, it was July 2009 and I was facing another deployment. When a deployment is on the horizon, no matter how far away it is, your life basically goes on hold. Everything you do is in the context of this impending trip overseas. There was more training to attend this go round. But, it was purely medical training this time which was both exciting and nerve wracking. Little did I know that nothing could really prepare me for the experience at Bagram. I arrived on Christmas Eve 2009. On Christmas Day I had a knot in my stomach all day because I knew that this was going to be the hardest work of my career. The next 6 months were exhausting. The blog tells the story.

When I arrived home in early July, it was apparent to many that I had "been through the ringer". The second deployment was actually harder than the first. In fact, I hope it is the most difficult thing I ever have to do in my professional career. I have been adjusting back to life at home ever since. It seems like a never ending process. I think about my deployments every single day. The images seem to be fading, but the lessons learned are deeply engrained in my mind. As I reflect on all that has happened in the past 3 years, it is a bit overwhelming. It tugs at my emotions. One thing is undeniable. It has been a long haul.